March 31, 2003
Transactions of the Important Tree Scientists
Answers to age old questions are sought in the Department of Philosophical Biology, The University of North Dakota at Hoople.
March 30, 2003
March 28, 2003
In a World Gone Mad
Beastie Boys new anti-war song.
A ridiculous waste of time
DO NOT hold the button because I'm sure all of you have much more interesting things to do with your day. I, of course, do not.
March 27, 2003
That Blowed Up Real Nice
The universe is very large and contains many things. Some of these things explode spectacularly. Some things explode with such violence that they can be seen billions of light years away, making supernovae look like mere fireworks. Even the sun periodically seethes with violence. The good news is that all of these huge explosions are far enough away to keep us safe. All, that is, except for Eta Carinae, which could someday fry us like bugs.
March 26, 2003
Explore Mars Now
This website is kickass! I love stuff about Mars. I like Mars candy bars too. I used to have a girlfriend named Dana Mars, but she sucked.
Get Your Anagrams Here!
Here, actually. For starters, Giappino = A Gin I Pop. Give us your best anagram, will ya? (via MeFi)
The Other White Meat for Kids
Choosy moms, choose swine.
March 25, 2003
Iraqi blog
This website is a webblog of an Iraqi who is in Baghdad and making a journal of events as they happen. Pretty interesting stuff. Apparently now though, his internet connection is very sporadic.
PSA: New National "Do Not Call" List to Surface in June
Finally, the govt has approved a national "Do Not Call" list that telemarketers must consult or face up to $11,000 per call. Of course many people will weasel their way around it, but I for one am in full support. Currently most consumers are forced to deal with widely varied state laws, sometimes requiring a fee to add their name to the list.
Here is the legislation Bush actually signed. As usual, this govt site is good for a few laffs.
Here is a quick summary article by David Coursey, Anchordesk editor.
The Direct Marketing Association is filing a lawsuit.
March 24, 2003
Useless Facts
Not really a link, but many items on this useless facts list made me go "hmmm":
-Butterflies taste with their feet.
-A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
-In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
-On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
-On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
-A snail can sleep for three years..
-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
-All polar bears are left-handed.
-In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
-If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
-Americans eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
-Almost everyone who reads this list will try to lick their elbow
Results of the 2003 Razzie Awards
In slight contrast to last night's politically-charged Oscars, check out the "winners" of this year's Razzies Awards.
It appears Madonna's new flick Swept Away did not favor well with the public.
(By the way, Kidman can kiss my ass!)
March 23, 2003
View From My Window
Viewfrommywindow.com is a simple little collaborative site that asks its users to submit photos taken through windows. Sign up and upload the view from your window. I did.
March 21, 2003
G*damn the prohibition man
More humor from my favorite magazine. Can you believe that governments actually tried to keep citizens from drinking? I mean, do they really have our best interests at heart. If you have time, scroll through and see other ridiculous art, but be sure to read the captions. So, here it is pushing prohibition.
Star-Spangled Ice Cream
After you've finished your Freedom Onion Soup, your salad with Freedom Dressing, your sandwich on a Freedom Roll (with Freedom Fries, of course), you'll love this patri(di)otic frosty treat.
Quote of the Day
"And tell them to bring two booties to the show because they're going to need the extra one."
-George Clinton, commenting in today's Memphis Commercial Appeal about tomorrow night's Parliment show on the roof of the Gibson Guitar Factory.
National guardman changed his name to a toy
Check it.
Who's next? Speed Racer?
Image of the Day
Baghdad Webcam (requires RealPlayer)
March 20, 2003
On the Lighter Side
Considering that he invented the Internet (haha... ok, sorry, that news is passe), Apple Computer must be quite pleased that Al Gore has decided to become the sixth board member of the company.
March 19, 2003
Hey Xupid!
Since everyone in here is so concerned about privacy issues, I just wanted to say XUPITER SUCKS!!! But at least you can beat it. Everytime I try to access giappino's home page, I get Xupiterized.
Headline of the Day
Justice Scalia Bans Media from Free Speech Event
The linked article includes this little gem, a bonus Quote of the Day:
"The Constitution just sets minimums," Scalia said. "Most of the rights that you enjoy go way beyond what the Constitution requires."
Review of the movie "Pearl Harbor"
This is my review of the movie. It is no pearl
March 17, 2003
WWJWear
Well if God is a fish....
Then Jesus is a fashionplate
Video Mayhem
Hi all, give this a look if you are on broadband. It is a demonstration that true comedy need not be intentional. Now updated to actually go to the link
This is some of the finest acting I've ever seen.
March 16, 2003
From the "Bad Ideas in Transportation" Dept.
Based on the enormous success of unicycling as a form of transportation, I suppose, engineers have throughout the years tried to bring the simplicity of one-wheeled transport to a more robust platform. The website Monowheels collects their efforts. I find it inspiring to view the work of people who, in the face of the problems of steering, ergonomics, and visibility inherent in such a machine, come up with something like this.
The TSA is watching you
And they don't like your attitude.
March 15, 2003
Word is made flesh as God reveals himself... as a fish
May you witness a modern miracle, the speaking carp!
"The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold." - The Observer
(Note: I cannot confirm the carp pictured is the same speaking fish, but I think it was speaking to this guy, another contender for Band-Aid Man)
The Crapola Web Translator
This is a funny web site I found when I was doing research on the word "crapola". When you go to the website, it can translate the text of any website into its new crapola form. You have several choices and I tried most of them but I only recommend two, maybe three. The "Ebonics" one is the funniest one. The "All your base are belong to us" is also funny. All you do is choose a radio button and then put in the website at the bottom you wanna "translate".
March 14, 2003
Pac-Man: "Cadillac of Games"
Read as much as you can stand of this interview with the world's only person to have completed the perfect game of Pac-Man, and then see him in action.
Billy Mitchell of Ft Lauderdale, Florida, president of Rickey's World Famous Sauce, scored 3,333,360 points and left nothing behind. He claimed recently on MTV that his next feat will blow all our minds, that he has told nobody what it is yet but be rest assured, if it lives up to the standards of Billy Mitchell we will all cower in fear.
My favorties snippets include:
- "I get mentally psyched and will not accept anything less than victory. I'm just too damn stubborn."
- " I entered a rough period where my psychology was overshadowed as I realized I had over 100 more boards to go." and finally
- "I was relieved. I could now quit playing Pac-Man."
This picture of our champion Billy Mitchell (I can't stop hearing "Mitchell!" from the classic MST3K spoof) I think concludes this mystery (all credit due to Melissa's original post and vigilant TV viewing included).
Want a piece of the action? In 1999 Mitchell offered up $100k to the first player to beat the mysterious "spit-screen level."
Monty Python and Bush
Terry Jones of Monty Python fame submitted a satirical letter to the London Observer regarding his thoughts on Bush's current approach.
Aliens May Gain State Honors
A quick note from the CNN Space front: a New Mexico legislator (R-Dan Foley, from Roswell) has proposed Extraterrestrial Culture Day to "enhance relationships among all the citizens of the cosmos, known and unknown."
He goes on to state: "If we can capitalize on something that did or did not happen in 1947 then it can help the entire state."
CNN article
March 12, 2003
She's Got a TBI on Me
Here's a little story from the Tennessean that should give us all pause. The March 5, 2003 "Books Not Bombs" rally at MTSU was attended by an agent of the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation. While the good guys won this time, one has to ask oneself what the outcome would have been had the agent worked for Ashcroft's FBI.
Opinion part 2
Before I discuss the facts of my case and at the risk of revealing the tragic and possibly prejudicial consequences, let me ask another question. Would a reasonable single parent allow her thirteen-year-old daughter and sixteen-year-old son to operate a common clothing iron without any supervision? Keep in mind that the mother had previously instructed the children on the iron's proper use and that the children used the iron practically every single day. Her older children act in accordance with the reasonable standard of care expected of normal, well-adjusted thirteen and sixteen-year-olds. According to sources, it is common for Memphis City School children to iron almost every single article of clothing they wear because it is important to look "smooth."
Please give me your opinion
A single mother of three leaves her ten-year-old son alone sleeping in his bedroom while she takes her older children to school. Her youngest chld is smart, well mannered, and has never given his mother any reason to believe that he is not capable of caring for himself at home for a short duration. Her two older children, who are thirteen and fifteen, go to different schools that start earlier than her youngest's school. She leaves her house around 7:15 am with her older children and is gone for about twenty to twenty-five minutes. After she drops them off, the mother plans to be at home by 7:40 at the latest to get her youngest out of bed and have him ready to be at school by 8:30 am. Would you consider the mother leaving her child for this amount of time under these circumstances to be reasonable? I would greatly appreciate everyone's input on this one.
Probably not coming soon to a theater near you
He is generally regarded by critics as the most important American artist of his generation, although you may have never heard of him. Sculptor, video, and performance artist Matthew Barney's Cremaster cycle may never make it to Memphis, but it is currently getting a long overdue major exhibition at the Guggenheim in New York.
What would Sigmund say about this?
If your last name was Freud, and you wanted to start a tool company, wouldn't you call it something like General Tool or ACME Tool? Wouldn't you avoid the obvious connotations? Well, these Freuds didn't. Freud Tools. Pun anyone?
March 11, 2003
What does your phone number spell?
Don't know? Try PhoneSpell.
Redneck Neighbor
This man has chronicled his redneck neighbor's doin's over the years. I think my favorite story is that he stole bricks from other neighbors to make a crappy mailbox encasement (right out on the front lawn where the other neighbors could see it!) and then he set a big old statue of Jesus on top of it.
I love it when people display this kind of nonsequitur reasoning. Just like the other day, when the 13-year-old son of the man towing my car told me that he wouldn't want to live in Long Beach (my current digs), because "it's in all the rap songs and it's too dangerous." But meanwhile, what did he want to grow up and do? Be a soldier and fight in The War.
The troubling state of privacy
Today Mitch Kapor, creator of the Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheeet, quit his post at Groove Networks. Although the PR is that he wanted to devote more time to his Open Source Applications Foundation, it appears that Kapor's exit was due to the fact that Groove's connectivity technology is being used to create John Poindexter's domestic surveillance system. Google's technology also provides some reasons for concern. Keep an eye on ebay, too. What exactly can you do about it? Nominate them for a Big Brother award. You could also hack your frequent shopper card.
March 10, 2003
Quote of the Day
``My relationship to sheep is a bit ambivalent now. I like them, but not when they come flying through the air."
-- Per Kristen Hagen
Streak of misfortune?
Sam, thanks for getting me to post! You noted that Sputnik Monroe is potentially your new hero. Perhaps this is also not a traditional hero, but to some, such as my exboyfriend (who sent this to me), "This guy is the man...of what I don't know."
What is it about potential wars with Iraq that lead people to nudity as a solution? Remember the former Italian porn star-turned-politician who offered her body to Saddam if it would bring about peace?
I was thinking that despite Nike commercials, this guy already feels like he's having a movie made about him. And I imagine it stars that disheveled Brit from Notting Hill.
March 09, 2003
My New Hero
"I never let anybody get out of there a winner." -- Sputnik Monroe.
Civil rights leader, dirty fighter, all around bad ass. Sputnik was not only a founding father of wrestlemania and influence to The King, but he also put the choke hold on segregation in the Mid-South. For you movie-makers out there, his story would be a phenomenal screenplay. Better hurry before someone else gets wise.
Whaddup dawg?
This is the shiz-nit.
March 08, 2003
Protect the American people from the -- from what?
This from the senior member of the Senate armed services committee, not just some goddamned hippy:
"The point is, this country isn't being attacked. The president is setting up a straw man here when he says that he has taken a constitutional oath to defend the constitution and so on, and it's his job to protect the American people."
"Protect the American people from the -- from what? We're not -- the American people aren't being attacked, nor are they under threat of direct or imminent attack by Saddam Hussein and Iraq."
This was a great interview on Larry King.
BTW- if you liked this, you should also roll on down to February 28, and check out the "Quote of the Day"/"A Resignation Letter to Secretary Powell" gridlock.
The folks who are speaking out here aren't jokers, and they've got some serious - and ultimately painfully obvious issues with the road we're on.
March 06, 2003
Breakin How-To: Electric Boogaloo
Need to brush up on your old moves? Well, get out your cardboard and head over to breakdancing.com's moves section, where you can get how-to tapes for moves such as The Insane Corkscrew or the DiPZoD Kick. Before long you'll be body rockin' like the baddest b-boy in town. Or like Vin Diesel.
For Your Listening Pleasure...
Troubled by pesky evil spirits? Well, worry no more! Ketjack, the Ramayana Monkey Chant exorcises those demons with a block-rockin' beat!
Quote(s) of the Day
Tony Blair: "I am always keen to have a dialouge with people to explain my views."
Bart Woord: "It's not really working though, is it?"
-from "Is War the Answer?" an upcoming MTV Europe panel discussion
The (New) Color of Money
The official unveiling of some new designs for $20 bills will be on March 27, with rollout of the funny money coming this fall.
CNN article
I like their caption "...think of the possibilities." I'd like to see all the colors of Monopoly myself; it would make a fitting tie-back to one of the hearts of our nation.
Naked for Peace
Dare 2 Bare 4 Freedom + Peace
Here is a site dedicated to the Naked for Peace movement sweeping the globe. Famous folks involved include Oceana Taicher and Patch Adams.
What's the word? Thunderbird.
What's the price? Dollar twice. If you are even vaguely familiar with that phrase, and in need of wine rankings, may I suggest Bum Wines. Unlike the more sophisticated Tastings, it offers an easy to understand guide for the Joe Brown Bag set. For the more technical drinker, the U of Michigan provides a useful price-to-alcohol ranking.
March 05, 2003
Is Your Clergyman or Congressman a Moonie Sex-Cultist?
Lyndon LaRouche has uncovered,"the biggest single source of corruption and perversion in the United States today." (Requires Adobe Acrobat Reader--Don't have it? Try here.)
March 04, 2003
Dome Sweet Dome
The New York Times reports today that the hearty folks at the South Pole are getting a new home to replace their aging but stylish geodesic dome. With a huge kitchen, private rooms, and lots of windows to view the aurora australis, the new digs sound pretty spiffy, but some are sorry to see the old dome go. After all, the dome has been the site of numerous parties and 300 Club induction ceremonies.
f(z) = z^4/(z^3 + 1) + c, c = 0.1876388 + 0.9526279 i
Rational Julia set with "stalk" orbit trap.
March 03, 2003
Halt! Drop that pie!
From the Memphilter Legal Dept:
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
This law still exists.
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
This law still exists.
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis. (Passed in 1996)
This law still exists.
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
This law still exists.
Speaking of pie, here's a noted legal authority.
March 02, 2003
Reading these may save your life
That is if you run an Iraqi surface to air missile installation, or if you repair Saddam's fiber optic cables. According to the leaflets that coalition aircraft have been dropping on Iraq since November, "landmarks are safe" and "the choice is yours."
March 01, 2003
Can you stump the computer?
Think of an object. Got it? Now click here and answer 20 questions. The computer will attempt to guess what you are thinking. I guessed anteater and it got aardvark. Amazingly close. If it guesses wrong, it might even argue with you about it!
Joke of the Day
One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom.
"Tom," George W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Preserve the fruit of land for future generations and stay out of foreign affairs," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks.
Abe answers: "Go see a play."
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